What’s one positive trait you’ve gained because of BPD?
11.06.2025 01:23
He said i’d end up like her, and he laughed his big rolicking bear of a laugh!
I was 9 years of age.
Do all the shopping, and cooking and look after all the dogs.
Why are people becoming increasingly hostile to pro-lifers? I am pro-life.
We were all going out this night to a fancy resteraunt.
They look at me amazed ,and ask me how i could possibly know it?
She stayed with him because she thought he,d grow out of it. He didn’t of course!
Im dying but, im not bitter.
My dad was a alcholic psychopath, and violent in the extreme.
When he wanted one of his lessons to be taught!
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But, we were locked up after school.
I couldn’t, believe it.
.I left my 2 sons and my husband to do it. Instead of spending the day with them
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But people really die of the Big T Trauma!!
Especially a lifetime of it.
Who then, do I blame.?
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I do have abandomment issues but they come from being left alone ,without my mum, or any of my family in a incubator for 4 months.
One cannot live in the past .
I worked then as a chef ,and a very good one.
Im a true spealist, because i study it for years .And i still do..
She wouldn,t have been !
I ended up cooking for her, and bringing her eveywhere with us.
Being very nice and never wanting to say the wrong thing.
I was seconnd youngest,
She died young (from the stress and abuse of Big T Trauma) of liver cancer!
How did you respond to, "Why do you love me"?
But im a psyci anyway, and i read energy and people, .
He had many friends, who didn,t know the home devil he was, for his sake ,i never enlighted them either.
Then later on when my husband had gone to the bar..she started telling me, that they where having a affair, and that he loved her much more then me ,and other loads of visious lies.
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That life, was meant to be , as the world teaches us great lessons, and leaves us many gifts.
Trauma lives in the body, as ive explained, but it actually this that kills you in the end.
As his daughter ,he didn’t even think I wouldn,t do it. (Look after him)
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But there where , these other acts only us 2 girls, would receive, (When id have rather had his lump hammer , and chisel.).
For him, I cleaned and cooked and shopped, and spent the whole day, doing a weeks work) in the only day off, i had, besides Sunday.)
I know ,a lot about trauma.
This is soul school!.
All the time i was locked up.
Due to the real legacy of trauma (B.P.D)
BPD only comes to a person who has suffered childhood trauma.
She was a women, a mother with her own children!.
So he went home with my mum to her 2 other children.
At this time i had honed my heart to the same, as that of a lion and i knew i wouldn’t beg or cry ,nor plead.
I will be 64.
But im dying ,and its too late for me.
I only knew my twisted world , and there, is no choice for a child but to live in it. Or Die in it!
What did i know ?
Like some twisted love , they where addicted to each other
As i gave and gave ,everything to people, they began to use me.
She loved him until the end.
Im constanly in a state of FLIGHT or FIGHT my whole life
I don,t even have a pension.
I might have to go back 30 generations or more..
I forgave my father,, and in those years i cleaned and looked after him .
I only stopped writing poetry recently, because , of my brain tumor
It comes from Big T Trauma and is no fault of anyone who has it.
5 of us kids, and it wasn’t a big house.
He’d bring us out ,and we would form the position .
I of course replied” arh beautiful!
Thats being isolated in a house, locked up as a child .We never saw any people except in School and we had no relatives in Liverpool!
He was a brick layer (when he worked at all) and he carried his tools around ,hanging from a money belt.
I watched his eyes light up and his twisted smile rejoice, in his joy of it all.
Why ? because Trauma depletes the immune system.you get terribley ill , with chronic disease from all the horror ,and stress of it.
My mum and dad in the seventies!
Although we always gave her a kiss on the cheek. She would shrink away from it!
We wern’t close any more, the family fractured, after my Mothers death, and seeing me annoyed them ,as i was the familys scapegoat..
But i am married 43 years to my husband this July !
She found it foreign!.
The coal was sharp, and i usually had no underware! So my bare arse ,was cut and rossened on the coal..
I was grabbed out of my mother hung upside down, and rushed up to the prenatal ward, to spend 4 mths alone, with, only medical staff.
I did write a poem about him though, and my mum.
With Catholic nuns and Church on Sundays.
Yes, a stroke or heart attack is the reason on your death certificate.
So i became my fathers slave and he hated me the most.
I was writing from the time i was a small child.
I was very sick at this time too.
Everytime, i saw a chronically ill person in middle years.
Was to survive, this bastard.
And i lived it daily.
He was dying to do it , i knew.
Why did i forgive my father ?
I have no regrets .
We could never speak unless he spoke to us!
My familys so full of ancestral BIG T Trauma.
It was going to be , some day.
As i said though i will be 64 on my last birthday!
Its a big thing in the States for the last 25 years.
So whats the point in blame.
Why do we forgive? Because if we don,t
So, i spoilt her more .
One cannot hold on to bitterness.
And, all my friends down the years ,where users.
And ive living now since 2005, on disablement .(Which is a pittance)
Because , i didnt have the heart to hurt my friend.!.
My mother wasn’t a tactile women ..only as babes could she touch us. After we grew ,she couldn,t touch any of us.
I am a twin , my twin is a boy called Alan. I had a sister and 2 other brothers
She died at 55 of colon cancer.
My twin will have involuntary pissed himself, but not me at least not, that day!
He weighed in at 5 lbs .I was the second born, and i weighed 3 and a half pounds.
Where the ultimate outsiders.
We didn’t no it wasn;t normal life..we were isolated, and taken from Dublin in Ireland ,where our whole mothers family lived , to Liverpool in England!
Put me off passion for life!!
Ive learnt so much.
One women pretended to my husband she wanted to see me for coffee ,and make friends.
Another so called friend had bit the dust..
I suffer greatly, because of BPD..
I was scared of men, in general
Anyway, i told my husband ,and he was gobsmacked.
We born here on earth , for the soul to learn , the contrast, of heaven.
Rather to engertic for me ,with my terrible health, but i was left to run the house, it was a Cottage in Dorset.
Ther’s very good reasons why i was left alone.
I wasn’t taught any boundries, our home ,was like any war zone , and Dad told us, he had bodies buried, under the floor boards.
But i went to school ,and was locked up evey evening , until he was off out on a bender..then mum would set us free, and we,d be bouncing off the walls,
The apprentership one gets in Extreme Big T Trauma childhood is insight and extreme awarness.
You don’ t get a state one here , in England ? until your at least 67 yrs old ! Im 63.
The only way to get rid of it forgood ,is sommence therapy,
My life is so biszare .
She was in good health!
Her first husband, had been a gay man ,and he was a lovely person.
Anyway ,i could never hold on to a relationship.
She said her life with him ,was love, and spoke to me of all the passion, it had brought her.
It will be my last birthday ,as im dying of a brain tumor and 8 other autoimune diseases.
But my sister and my other 3 brothers wouldn’t have come near him every again!
But im an empath, and i help lots of people.
Mine was extreme ,and lasted 19 years
I had many talking therapys , but they just don,t work.
And when you live in a life , of being terrified, and shocked, and permantly stressed; especially as a child born in to all this .
19 years ,i spent with dear old papa.
I could never make a relationship work though!
My place (mostly )was the coal hole..it was a small room heaped with coal .
And as she herself ,wasn’t kissed or touched as a child.
And who doesn’t know suffering?
Even in the coal hole, i said the lines in my head..
Because huge Trauma like mine is alive.
You’d think that being brought up for so long, in those terrible circumsatances ,i would know the ways of people ,and the world, but i wasn,t in , nor of the world .
He said i reminded him of an old aunt ,who used to beat him, and when the menapause came, she was placed in a mental home and never was released ,until she died.
I never cut or harmed myself..
His mum and dad ,were Alcoholics!
On the 31st of Jan this month .
As i do to all so called friends.?
He’d sit me down, and stand behind the chair, Then he’d make a great show of his beauty (the chesil )and place it behind my neck ,at the base!
One was a lump hammer, another was a iron chisel.
The same beautiful brown eyes my mother loved so much!
Thats was my nicest nick name for him
As she had lost her son ,to fatty liver disease!
We all went to grammer schools
I did it because my mum asked me too!
This is how, and why children get BPD.
She was deluded, and thought she could stay on for the reminder of the holiday!
Its mostly always from childhood abuse .
Comes on , in middle age.
I think the readers, may guess!
I had hoped to write a book about this .
Insight, and i can spot a wrongin from 3 miles away.
Although he,d calmed down a bit ..he still shouted his orders at me and thought , my older sister would be better at the job..
A line in front of him, from the eldest to the youngest.
She got all dolled up, but it looked as she was dressed up to play the part of , Florence Nightingale ,as she descended down the cottage stairs ,like a Queen.
His abuse (his own) began at 2 years of age. His mothers friend, sexually abused him, from the age of 2.
Then he’ d take out his beloved lump hammer ,show it to the kids.
Its like, taking poison, and hoping the other person will die.
But it has taught me many things other people will , never know!
We were not on the streets..
My family never makes their pension either.
As is all addictions, people can’t leave off.
But it wasn’t much.
Also my liver and lungs are fatally diseased!
They are buried together, in the same grave..
But he said ,he was sick of her anyway ,and only put up with her as i had a friend ,and seemed to be happy.
I had offered the whole expense of the holiday to her, free.
Would this be the day?
He resisted the act ,that day.
She married twice! .
And as runt ,of the litter .Which of course, i actually was!
He did pay me though, i made him (.After i’d trudged miles to get his pension ) Before ,it all was gone, over the pubs counter!
One of his many names for me was Runt .He like that it rhymed with (well you know)
Your thinking ,but those kids would have been street wise?
My only sister also couldn,t make her life work.
(And it was in our own minds.)
But ive been too sick for many years..
I was the most vunerable of my siblings. I was born small ,and was sickly ,and of course none of us could ever thrive!
Those are used to try and block the pain, like that of my life out..
He isn,t a very sexual person at the best of times!
He call us down, from where ever he stashed each one of us ,that day ! We were kept seperate.!
Im still living with it.
He knew the spot.
I said to her
The only rule us 5 kids had .
And i know him well ,and every thing about him. This relationship, is the only real one iIve been able to keep!
I immediatly know and see what their chidhood was. I tell them you had a awful time in childhood.
I let him have the joy of his friends( that i would never know myself.!)
I got to know the terrible awful childhood, he had himself. And his Jolly Pub Persona.
I waited trembling.
Im kind ,and give many things, inc money ,to any of persons in need. I have a groups of homeless beggars ..i help out daily. They all know me by name!
And if you hold on to hate you only die inside yourself,!
He took out the hammer, and explained again, how the smallest tap ,of this hammer would kill me in a second.
Stress hormones Adrenaline and Cortosol ,would have flooded my brain, and they never left it!!!!
When she asked me how she looked .
I write beautiful poetry .
Took her away on holiday ,with us, my 2 pugs her dog, a Jack Russell.
Trauma never leaves you! Its actually lives in the fashia ,of the body .The connective tissue.
And don,t forget my 4 months alone, in the incubator. Knowing my brother in the womb and my mother voice .The baby knows she’s alone!
Youll pack your bags and leave Dorset.
I forgave my father, and i took care of him ,until his death in 1999..my mum left us on the 29th Jan 1998.